Why Christian Girls Date Non-Christian Guys

Matt ClarkJan 27, 20151 Comment

It seems like more and more church-going ladies are looking outside their faith for romance. Here are some real reasons Christian girls date non-Christian guys.

The search for love is different for everyone. For some, it’s a relatively quick and easy process to find the man or woman you’d love to spend the rest of your life with. For others, it’s a drawn out search and pursuit eventually leading to someone being won over. For others, it’s like banging your head against a brick wall trying to work out what the heck is going on with your love life.

And then there’s the question of who you should date.

For people of faith, there is a mandate aimed in their direction that they aren’t supposed to date anyone who doesn’t share the same faith. When you think about it, it’s not a bad suggestion – to deliberately head down a path of oneness with someone who has a completely different core belief system to you can really set you in a place of inequity. There are enough inter-faith couples out there who can tell you some of the deep challenges they’ve had to face in such a pursuit.

If it’s something you’re looking to observe in your life, that short list gets even shorter. As if it weren’t already a narrow list of things you’re looking for in the opposite sex, now there’s one more major player to consider.

Having been involved in church life for quite a while, I’ve known a number of female friends who’ve found this a major stress in their lives, and especially as Valentine’s Day approaches once again. Sure, I know some guys who’ve had to face that decision before, but I don’t think they’ve been as pressured in that direction as the girls in my world.

There are plenty of reasons why Christian girls date non-Christian guys. Here’s a whole bunch of real reasons from real women out there, in no particular order. Can you relate to any of these?

Because he asked you out. This is the simplest of reasons why dating even takes place. It all starts with a question, and a yes or a no. If someone asks you out and you want to go out with them, then you go out. Or maybe it’s that no one at your church or faith seems to be taking notice to you or asked you to something basic. When the years start ticking by and no one seems to be asking you out, that’s when the thought comes that maybe you’re wasting your time waiting for someone in the church world.

One of my female friends rightly said that even if dating someone of the same faith as you is a major priority in your life, you can eventually find yourself wearing down on that thought when non-Christian guys seem keen and Christian guys don’t. Some of the surrounding issues to this one will probably revisited throughout, but this is worth pointing out from the start.

Because he’s not as sensitive as Christian guys. Surprisingly I’ve heard this one a few times from all sorts of different people. There is a perspective out there that Christian guys can sometimes be too sensitive or emotional, and that the NC option just seems a bit more stable. In truth, there’s definitely merit to this one. I think there is something though about the Christian faith that kind of necessitates a man to be a bit more sensitive to his emotions and the emotions of those around him, and causes him to sometimes take things on a bit deeper.

This one confuses me at times because a major complaint of women who’ve been with a man a long time is that (say it with me now) he’s not sensitive at all. So… which one is it? I can remember a while ago a group of girls at a church event I was involved in were very critical of a particular guy for his levels of sensitivity. He’s now happily married to a woman who is deeply appreciative of his openness to those around him, and a number of those girls are also now coupled with men who are arguably of similar sensitivity levels. I guess it depends on what you consider to be important, or the right amount of sensitive.

Because the social experience of church is very different. Something we don’t always fully appreciate is just how drastically different the experience of going to church functions with a relatively consistent group of people is. The social experience itself is remarkably different to most people’s lives. In church, you spend a lot of time talking about deep life issues and hanging out together at a lot of different events. Lots of mixed gender opportunities to get to meet and develop relationships with the opposite sex.

If a similar social experience isn’t part of your life, whether in a church, a sports club, or some other community group, your primary way of getting to know the opposite sex is usually through mutual friends or one on one dating. The potential for romantic interest is acknowledged at the start by the virtue of dating, whereas it’s not as acknowledged within the church experience. Sometimes when you want a clearer answer or a clearer sign of intent, then it’s easier to look outside for some.

Because Christian guys aren’t as attractive. Awww 🙁

Nah, but really, I’ve heard this said quite a few times. I guess the real question would be why. I can’t really answer that one. Only you can if this is one you find particularly relevant. I guess it depends on what you’re looking for in a man. But I guess a question I would put forward here is why is it that those with a different core belief system are more attractive to you than those that share your views? Is it, as some of my female friends have said, that there’s an allure to the bad boy? Is it that the mysterious stranger is more attractive to you than the idea of trying to date a church friend? Is it just that your NC friend is simply more charming? Or is it something else?

Because you thought he was a Christian but he actually wasn’t “that Christian”. Sometimes people aren’t always what they say they are. Just look at people’s resumes and LinkedIn profiles. I sometimes am involved in interviewing people for IT positions, and there’s a lot of stuff that people say they believe and do, but don’t really have the knowledge or beliefs they say they do on paper.

Sometimes it’s only after spending more time with someone that you find out they don’t actually value their faith as much as they said they did. I guess all you can do in this boat is to make sure you’re asking the right questions and looking deep enough during the early phases of your relationship. Even as just friends, you are able to see how committed someone is or isn’t to their faith. Sometimes the notion of romance pressures us to talk up things that aren’t true about ourselves.

Because a Christian guy is less likely to try to get in your pants. Just throwing it out there, that if you’re looking for sex, you’re probably not going to get it as easy from a Christian guy (during dating anyway). You’re more likely to get an embarrassed reaction and a Joseph-style Run-Away-And-Leave-The-Coat-Behind maneuver to your advances.

Most Christian guys love sex as much as any other guy does. But the context in which they want to explore and enjoy it is very different.

Because maybe you give the NC guy more of a chance. I was talking to a few of my friends recently about the differences between the Christian guys they’ve been asked out by, and the non-Christian guys. For the non-Christian guy, they hung out at the sports club, they went out for dinner a few times, they did some road trips, they talked on the phone quite a bit, they texted a lot, and now they have feelings of attraction they didn’t really want with him.

For the Christian guy… they had coffee with him once.

The New York Times put out an article recently which you can check out by clicking here stating that you could fall in love with just about anyone just by asking deep probing questions and then staring at them for a while on a semi-regular basis. People were so surprised by their statements, but really that’s just how attraction develops. Even married people can do that with people who aren’t their spouse.

Maybe the thing that’s missing from your Christian dating experience is just giving them a bit more of a chance?

Because you feel like you’re running out of options. Tick tock body clock is how the world treats our ladies many times. You want to be a wife and a mum above all else, or just want the joy of partnership together in your other ventures in career or ministry, and you feel like the options are running out.

In truth, the dating pool does get smaller as you get older. People marry off younger (especially Christians, you know how it is) and then it feels like “the only good ones” are taken.

If you’re feeling that way but you still are trying to find someone who shares your faith values, you don’t have to completely leave the church to find someone. What about someone at your church you don’t usually hang out with or consider? What about someone at another church? Or someone you’ve worked with in ministry? How about someone who’s been there the whole time? Just cause you’re over dating anyone in your church doesn’t mean you have to leave the church to find someone.

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There’s plenty more reasons why Christian girls date non-Christian guys. In truth, there are lots of relationships that start out like that and don’t work out. There are also some that do. There’s also a number of Christian guys who go look to date non-Christian girls too – maybe we’ll revisit that topic another time.

Just thought I’d put up some of the common ones I hear a lot from the people I care about, and hopefully we’ve had a fair look at them. If you’re out there relating to any of those, don’t freak out, you’re not alone. Lots of people in the same boat, my friend.

Do you relate to any of these? Disagree with anything I said about any of them?