Fathers Need To Have Role Models, Not Just Be One

Matt ClarkAug 29, 2024

More important than a father being a role model is the reality that fathers need to have role models. Let me explain what I mean.

Fathers Day is coming up at the time of writing this one and there are so many things that could, should, and need to be said. Most things on a day like this boil down to celebrating the father you did have or trying to cope with whatever state of relationship you now have with that man.

However, most of the advice and commentary is about dealing with something that is largely outside of your control – the behaviour of someone else. The demand or desire that fathers need to be role models is a pretty reasonable expectation that is a great harbour of safety when it’s true and a devastating challenge when it isn’t.

But it’s not something you can do much about.

And so this Fathers Day season I would like to put a light on something that is controllable – for the fathers, the demands on you to be a role model are intimidating and overwhelming at times. But more than this I would urge you – fathers need to have role models more than they need to be one.

As a fellow dad, I get it. You’re busy. Me too. I have young kids, a very stressful IT career in a discipline with an 83% burnout rate, a side hustle to try to get ahead of the psycho mortgatge sizes for a future house, I’m a church leader, I have social commitments, trying to stay active and involved in everyone’s lives… you get it. We have so many demands placed on us by ourselves, by society, and by the very nature of being a parent.

But if I don’t have any guides ahead of me to follow, I’ll be lost. Without any guides to follow, you’ll be lost.

John Eldredge wrote the best book I’ve ever read on the masculine journey called The Way Of The Wild Heart. In it he documents six stages that all men go through or need to go through, and highlights that most men get trapped in one or multiple periods for an extended period of time.

They start out as Boys, discover their powers and abilities and become exploratory Cowboys, adapt their abilities on behalf of others and become a Warrior, have their heart awakened to love in the Lover stage, step into the height of their influence in the King stage, and then as they wind down they move into a Sage stage where their sole focus is now on sharing their wisdom across all the seasons.

All of us know men who have never grown beyond their boyhood stage and remained Peter Pan syndrome children their whole lives. We’ve seen people who continue to live like they’re discovering everything for the first time and stay as ruthess, directionless, aimless cowboys. We know people who never decide to use their strength or love for others. We’ve seen so many who refuse to step into their leadership mandate as kings and sages when they’re well passed the age where they’re supposed to be people who can be looked up to and trusted.

For the Lord of the Rings fan like me, he uses this trilogy and so many other movies and stories to paint these stages. Think boyhood Pippin, a remarkable character study on Aragorn progressing through Cowboy, Warrior, Lover and finally accepting King, and Gandalf in his stage as a Sage. In fact this book and this case study on masculinity through Aragorn is why Return of the King is my favourite movie of all time.

And one of the fundamental agents of growth in a man’s life on this journey is their need for guides. Men need someone to follow. We all do really. But men and fathers in particular.

It’s really hard to be a father and indeed a successful father if you’re still a boy, or a cowboy. Fatherhood in fact should be the time of transition where you start to become an expert at your craft, your love, your strength, and your concern for others to the point that you accept the mantle of king for the sake of your family.

Or to borrow the best line from the best movie ever made: Put aside the Ranger, become who you were born to be.

This is where most men falter and laud their lack of role models in their life. Maybe you never had a good male role model in your life growing up. That’s a tragedy.

Here’s the greater tragedy – once you did grow up, you never went out and found one.

Why is that worse? Because one happened to you, and one you chose for yourself.

It’s one thing for a child to not have people helping direct them. But for a grown man to be unwilling to seek what he needs to become who he needs to be is folly.

And this is why to me it’s more important that a father needs to have role models than he needs to be one. Because if a man does find role models, he will inevitably become one.

Guess what every deadbeat dad, frustrated father, or messed up man has in common? They refuse to humble themselves and learn from someone who is further ahead than them, or they dispute their need for guidance or help.

There is no chance that a man with accountability, direction, and strong guides to follow won’t end up bringing everyone around him with him for the journey. The more you progress, the more you will progress others.

So, you’re thinking, well that’s a great sentiment, but how do I find a role model? Here are some thoughts and things that have helped me:

Check the fruit. You wouldn’t eat an apple from any apple tree, probably only a healthy one producing healthy fruit. Likewise don’t just follow or listen to a man because he’s older – check if he’s actually got success in the areas of his life. If he’s a bad friend, unreliable with his time, angry and dismissive constantly… maybe not the best one. But if he’s got integrity, servant heartedness, respected by his family and employee/rs, has actual tangible results, that’s probably a good person to follow

You don’t have to know them in person. One of my mentors and role models, John Maxwell, posted a great share of how he found role models in his life – he was told that until he was well known, he might have to rely on videos and books. And guess what? That’s easier than ever. Personally John Maxwell, Zig Ziglar, TD Jakes and Carey Nieuwhof are excellent video and book follows.

You need more than one – in the same way having all your emotional expectations on your spouse is an unfair and unachievable task for them, you’ll likely need to find a few people who are an expert on different things. Maybe someone is great at finances but not so great at their health or faith, but in having multiple experts and role models around you, you’ll have a greater chance of growth as you learn from a well rounded group of people rather than trying to pin all your hopes and dreams for personal growth on one man.

You need to find them for all your seasons. A lot of people I’ve known were very ambitious learning from others when they were younger but then turned 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 and decided to stop learning. Your life isn’t over and you’re not at the end, and until that point you’ll need guidance as you progress through all of your own seasons as well

Be honest with them – if you’re a closed book and provide false data to mentors and partners, you’ll never grow. Conversely if you can be honest and open you will grow honestly and openly

One piece of advice from Zig and John that has really guided me is to have a goal of always having people you’re leading, always having people around you, and always having people you’re following. You need people ahead of you, next to you, and behind you. Mentors, peers, and those who you’re looking out for. If you endeavour to have all three groups through all seasons of your life you will make a lasting difference in this world

Fathers need to have role models. We need them. Without guides we get lost, prideful, stubborn, and destructive.

My favourite section of the Old Testament Scriptures are in 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles which chart the lives of various kings of ancient Judah and Israel. They’re fascinating case studies as leaders, men and fathers. And all of them, even including my favourite king Hezekiah, eventually grew proud and missed out on things because they got set in their ways, and indeed set in the wrong ways.

If we as fathers can ensure that we always have the right guards in our lives to prevent that from happening, our kids are going to be all the safer, stronger, and better for it.

How about you? Do you think fathers need to have role models? What’s that looked like for you?