If You Died Early, What Would Your Kids Remember?

A Sydney tragedy and a family movie this year put forward a huge question to every parent – if you died early, what would your kids remember?

There was an absolutely horrible tragedy that occurred in Sydney’s Carlton a few months ago (at the time of writing) that I find myself thinking of regularly. 40 year old Anand Runwal was out with his wife and their twins when the kids’ stroller blew on to the train tracks. Anand heroically jumped on to the tracks to save the children but unfortunately was only able to save one of them before he and the other child were killed. It left a huge imprint on the Sydney community and was very well felt even in Brisbane where I live.

As someone who loves taking the family out for city outings, it’s a real sombre and sober reminder of just how fragile life can be. I’m not really sure you can fault anyone in this scenario – the parents for not locking the stroller? But how strong was the wind? The train driver? The city of Sydney? The onlookers? It just seems to be a moment of horrible chance that would be difficult to defend against.

And whilst the ongoing conversation could be about safety or community or all the other defensible things that may come to mind, I find myself thinking about the child who has been left behind.

I love John Krasinski as an actor and watching the brilliant movie IF this year touches a lot on exactly the same theme – when parents do or face the scary reality that they may be leaving their young child behind earlier than they mean to. The movie starts with and focuses on the loss of mum and the looming threat of the loss of dad, and both father and daughter wrestle with the possible outcomes.

I appreciate this isn’t always really a pleasant topic or thought for people. Me either sometimes. It’s a harrowing and pretty scary thought to think that you might leave your kids’ life early and never see them grow up on this side, or what would happen to them, or what would happen to your partner.

I’ve always been challenged by the writings of the wisest Jewish king Solomon who wrote that it is better to think of the day of death than it is to think of the day of life. His inference is that you produce more helpful and constructive behaviour by thinking about what will happen when you’re gone than how things started.

I don’t know about you, but the thought of some unknown tragedy befalling me at any moment’s notice while my kids are still young is a real challenge. I would feel sad of all the moments I would miss being with them for and perhaps more scary is to think of whether or not my absence would cause them to take a negative path in life. To not have Dad around to speak life into them or answer questions or lead them in the way I think would be helpful for them.

But I can’t control tomorrow. I can’t control that I wouldn’t be in a situation like Anand who chose his children over his own life so easily and be forced to make the same choice. I can’t control some unknown virus taking hold, or my life ending in traffic or some other tragedy. I mean I’m doing my best to stay healthy and live safely for the sake of my family. But there certainly is an element well beyond my control.

And so this got me thinking and rethinking and keeping every single day I have especially while my kids are young as so important that I download to them every bit of my best that I have. Here are some things that I’ve been thinking about and perhaps as a fellow parent you would join me in considering your daily contribution to your children in these as well. If you died early, what would your kids remember? What would we be leaving them behind with? As far as it is within our control, here’s what I put forward

#1: Value

The greatest need of the human heart is to know its value. And children especially need to hear it. Dr Deborah MacNamara writes that “Children only start to feel they matter if they first have someone they matter to”.

Fortunately unlike some of the other ones this is the easiest one whatever age your young children are. As a father in particular I’m always blown away by the statistical difference between kids whose father was present and the one who wasn’t and it’s almost night and day – children are scores more likely to have problems developmentally, emotionally, behaviourally, and when they’re older sexually and in their attachments when dad is not an active and positive presence. More on that in It’s Easy To Be An Absentee Father, Be A Dad Who Stays

Saying I love you. Hugs. Encouragement. Words. Man, your words matter. Even my youngest who isn’t fully talking is very evidently reacting and flourishing or shrinking under the words going through the ears. You can control that today.

If you died early, what would your kids remember? Would they remember that you told them they were valuable? That they mattered? That they had a destiny? That they can be resilient? That they were important? Or would they remember that mum or dad didn’t care for them too much? As far as it’s within our power, we have to communicate vlaue to our kids.

#2: Finances

Uh oh. Not one we want to think about is it?

In our AfterPay ZipPay pay later load the credit card take out the personal loan redraw the mortgage again world, there’s not a lot of room left for what the kids are going to get. In fact every time we’re making a financial decision now that we have children, thought needs to be given is what are we leaving behind by doing that?

Now I’m not a financial advisor, but I am grateful for mine for setting me up on an extensive income TPD and death policy should almost anything happen to me. I know my wife and kids will have an element of financial security because I’m paying the extra price for it now. In Australia you do get a limited life insurance cover from your super but I would encourage you to give this some active thought in case your young family loses you but also your financial contribution.

Probably more than the insurance cover though is I would encourage all of us to be having a prosperity mindset rather than a poverty mindset. If we’re always living without financial margin, at the peak of our limits, saving nothing, investing nothing, guess what’s going to be left for the young kids? Debt debt debt.

Now there’s an argument for good debt for assets – think mortgages for properties or line of credit loans for shares – but do you really want your family to deal with a maxed out Visa on clothes and games and gadgets that they can’t recover cost with? Yes, your country (such as Australia which is mine) may have laws that result in a lot of debts being absolved by your death, however this isn’t licence to live recklessly or without care because there are types and amounts that will result in the kids having to deal with it.

And there’s another dimension I don’t think enough people think about. It’s that there are two ways to have more money – spend less (that’s the one everyone thinks about), or earn more.

If you’re increasing the size of your family and expenses without giving thought or attention to increasing what’s coming in, something’s gonna give.

There’s a lot more qualified people out there than me who can give guidances on strategies for you and your family that work, but as parents it’s gotta be something we’re thinking about. Haven’t we all seen too many children have to deal with a painful death as well as horribly mismanaged financial portfolios or a legacy and example of poor financial strength?

#3: Wisdom

Dr Justin Coulson writes that children need to not just be told what to think but how to think. The classic right and wrong because I said so approach doesn’t have as strong results for children as empowering them with autonomy and frameworks that guide them towards the right choices on their own.

Fortunately this is something you can do quite easily as well as enlist help in to help your kids with. Instead of telling them this is the answer (although you still do need to do that sometimes while they’re learning), giving them positive choices or alternatives and talking about the reasons behind them gets kids choosing right because they’ve determined it’s right. I’ve seen this a lot with my eldest and have been so glad we got this advice beore the kids were born.

Or if you need a Scriptural basis for this thought, we overcome evil by doing good. That’s not saying we just don’t do the wrong thing, but we have to replace the behaviour with the right thing, and knowing why makes the true difference.

As for the help, there are a lot of daycare programs that teach along this style as well as several TV shows (Blue’s Clues and You comes instantly to mind) that give children multiple opportunities to choose right and to learn and practice how to think. Here’s a bunch of shows I rate in 7 Great Shows For Toddlers That I’m Grateful For As A Parent

I’ve also been helped by my favourite leadership author John C Maxwell on this topic who said that repetition is such an important tactic when sharing wisdom and vision with people. I’ve found kids are exactly the same. There’s a reason you remember some of those childhood lessons right? It’s what your parents or role models or mentors or heroes “always said” that stuck, not what they said once and hoped you learned.

#4: Direction

In a similar vein and with similar tactics is direction, but I’m calling it out because it’s not something parents are always thinking about. Another one from Dr Justin Coulson’s 21 Days to a Happier Family is the importance of your family having a mission and a purpose that your kids are involved and onboard with.

Especially if you leave their lives early, how many amazing people do we know who’ve continued in the direction of their parents because the vision and impact was so clear and powerful that they were set for life? I think of the famous Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin who was the world’s most passionate wildlife champion, and even going to Australia Zoo decades later, his shadow still looms large because of his passionate charge to his family and to his world that this matters. And his kids do not feel shoehorned – they’re proud to continue the legacy.

Now all of us aren’t going to leave a world class zoo and a huge wildlife mission to our kids, but we’ve all got something to help set them up. But if we keep it to ourselves, or don’t think it matters, or remain unsure, divisive, confused people ourselves, there’s no way on earth we’ll be able to set our kids up with a taste of their fullest potential.

Direction matters. More on that in Why Men Need Purpose, Direction, and Income

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I write this praying and believing and hoping and choosing no great tragedy befalling me, and I certainly wish great health and strength for you as you journey through those early years with your children into the twilight of your life. May you have constant opportunity to be there for them throughout all the seasons of life and may you be a positive voice of healing, help, health, and direction for them. Not detrimental, not toxic, not tearing them down, not so consumed with your own drama that there’s no room in your life for anyone else to live alongside you in a healthy way.

But I think we should acknowledge and consider that we don’t always get a full vote on that. That tragedy occurs. That it rains on the just and the unjust. That we’re like vapours – here today, gone tomorrow. And while I’m here, I’m going to be the best parent to my kids that I possibly can be.

So, once again – If you died early, what would your kids remember?

I hope that should anything ever happen to me that my living example and my writing will live on and be a continued voice of the many they’ll need to be all they’re called to be. Super proud already.

Anand Runwal is a true hero. I never met the man but his example in how quickly he went to save the lives of his kids and fortunately did save one of them is something I will never forget. And I’m also grateful for giving me extra charge to consider my parenting every day and never to miss the importance of any moment I have with my kids.

How about you? What else should we leave our kids or do for them while they’re young?