What If Staying Amazed Was Your Marriage’s Superpower?

Several years down the line, the best two words I’ve ever heard continue to be the key to joy in married life – stay amazed.

It’s one thing to hear advice – it’s another to live it.

It feels like the primary source of all marital knowledge and advice that most people access is comprised of short video influencers on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok with days to years worth of content posted every single day regarding marital bliss, or lack thereof.

By far I think the vast majority of these videos have a negative spin – they communicate why your wife or husband is unhappy, and the problem behaviour that is perpetuated without suggesting a path forward on how to actually make the change. You know the ones, usually because the comment section is full of members of the opposite sex completely berating the post. A lot of comedians are this in boat, as well as most women constantly speaking about mental load (a good topic for another time) and absolutely nothing else, and those red-pill alpha males who want you to put that woman back in her place in your cave ooh ooh ahh ahh show her who’s boss.

Then there are the “look how happy we are” club. These people seem to float above the clouds with happy photos and videos of how their life is going and they surmise it’s simply because they’re with the right person. It’s because they just got lucky in love and have never had a single disagreement or sad event between them since they’ve been together. See everyone, all you needed to do was have all the stars align and the magic right person grow out of the ground and there’s your secret to marital happiness

But then there is a decent number of content producers who do seem to have the balance right, where husbands and wives are given accessible tips that they can implement immediately for improved results without feeling under a sense of obligation. For instance I like the sarcastic but pointed and helpful tone of Lauren from The Dadvocate, calling out double standards on both sides of the gender divide and calling out a path forward.

I hope this post today goes into the last category.

Well before I got married, I would frequently listen to John and Helen Burns who were held up in our community as paragons of marital success. The Canadian based couple has travelled the world for decades and inspired great relationships, as well as millions of viewers of their older show called The Relate Show. I was also fortunate to meet John personally and have a short talk with him, and see every single person who listened to their advice do extremely well.

And given its apparent success, I would pass on their advice to all my married friends, or those who wanted to get married, and see how the advice really assisted and lifted their relationship. Or even on Walking The Shoreline, I’ve had so many people write in from all over the world about the change they’ve seen in giving it a go.

Now being several years and seasons through my own married life, I thought it was time to highlight once again that there are two words that continue to result in great moments, memories and direction in the world of love. That even after dating, engagement, expensive weddings and holidays, two kids, shifting family dynamics, external drama and pressure, loss, a global pandemic, job changes, health issues, disagreements and all the rest of the things a marriage goes through, these two words still work.

Stay amazed.

That’s not really the advice you get from a lot of marriage “wisdom” today unfortunately. A lot of content producers are heavily focused on being forthcoming with your wants and needs, which is important, but usually in a tone that tends towards demanding or demeaning. You’d think that the description was about a disappointing business partner rather than a celebrated life partner, someone you order around and have do the same to you, til you tick enough boxes in your life to be happy somewhere down the line.

I like what Dr Esther Perel observes about marriage in this regard – that we look to our spouse to be our sexual partner and lover, but also our co-parent, also our business partner, also our financial source or wisdom, also our friend, also our social organiser – the list goes on. How the dichotomy between safety, which everyone wants in marriage, clashes with our desire for mystery and spontaneity and distance from complicated, business-y, functional type life. You want a brilliant co-pilot and the most erotic experience you’ve had in your life from the same person. That’s a lot of pressure, and one that results in either side dominating your position completely.

Stay amazed.

Have you ever had a favourite food that you don’t like any more? When you first ate it, you loved it, you adored it, you bought or made it all the time, or got someone special to make it for you. And then as time went on, you discovered other foods, more things happened, it wasn’t your favourite any more. Perhaps it has fallen into a fairly routine meal in your week to week living, or maybe it’s one you’ll eat if someone makes but it’s kind of just, there.

As we grow older, I think that’s what truly destroys marriages. It’s not that you don’t tick the boxes and you don’t do all the right things from date night to going out with the kids to spending time together to having some of your own space to all those things. It’s that the person you promised to love for a life time is just… there. They become common, plain, uninteresting.

The spark is gone, right?

Everyone loves that freaking spark, even though studies show only 1 in 10 relationships actually start with a spark. And of course we look to something external to blame for why it leaves, or at least why those feelings of warmth and awe have gone away.

I’m gonna tell you exactly the reason right here, right now, where that warmth and fire has gone. Here’s why you don’t experience that any more in your love life.

It’s because of the way he snores and drools in his sleep. It’s cause of what she said to you last year. It’s because you’ve heard him speak in public so many times by now that you just know what he’s going to say and how he’s going to say it. It’s because you’ve seen her in her element and her career day in and day out that you just don’t care for it that much any more.

It’s because he’s not that great at dancing. It’s because she and you have done all those sexual tricks before, multiple times. It’s because you know they care for and love on people, and that’s just part of the furniture by now. It’s because he’s just a guy. It’s because she’s beautiful but you’re just used to it.

Bottom line – it’s because you see your spouse as common. Plain. Part of your life. You treat your spouse like you treat that job you don’t really like, like that routine you just follow on autopilot, like that run of the mill experience you have every other weekend.

It’s because you forgot to stay amazed.

The author of Hebrews gave charge to the Messianic Jews that they should keep the marriage bed, and by extension the marriage, holy. Holy is a very old school word that we usually use in our modern day to describe pious, self-righteous bigots, or magic spells in Final Fantasy games.

However, the notion of treating something as holy had a more pertinent relevance to its original audience. Treating something holy means it remained in a state of reverence to you. You treat it as something important, and you continually do so. It infers that the thing that is holy is set apart and special to you.

I wonder if your wife gets that treatment from you. I wonder if the way you see your husband aligns with the promises you made.

Or is she just another average part of your life?

And no wonder people go cheat. No wonder they stay at work for 16 hours a day. No wonder they look at porn while their partner is away. No wonder she’ll flirt with other guys while he’s around. No wonder he’s never happy when he gets home. No wonder you fight about every small thing around the dishwasher, the sink, the kids, the school, the money, all the things. No wonder you’re both fighting in the comment section of other people’s videos online about how much your spouse is EXACTLY like this horrible behaviour the video producer is calling out.

Cause this person doesn’t really matter any more. They’re just there, and they’re in the way of your happiness. Apparently.

Stay amazed.

I don’t think we should switch our brains off when it comes to love. That’s often how people end up finding or staying in abusive relationships. If your brain is switched off and you’re not being realistic about where things are really at or how a certain behaviour affects you, you’re just going to be a smiling but crying doormat in your own home. More in How a Warped View of Forgiveness Enables Abuse and Destroys Lives

There’s got to be a meeting in the middle, or at least somewhere near the middle. And if not the middle on this issue, then you should get to win on one of the other issues. Compromise is not a dirty word in the world of love.

There’s a lot of practicalities to being married and/or running a family. The mortgage has to get paid somehow. The kids have got to eat. The house does need to get clean at some point. That laundry won’t magically go away. One person doing everything will eventually burn out. You still need (and I mean need) friends and community around you to be a happy and healthy unit. And there’s the matter of both your life dreams – you need to be committed to those for sure.

That said, both people complaining constantly about the other person will eventually explode. One or both people being taken for granted will eventually start to wear out. Treating someone as your common partner who just needs to tick off the activity list for the day and nothing else isn’t your lover. They’re not your support. They’re not even your friend.

What a tragedy when the one you said you loved is the one you treat the most common.

Dr David Schnarch writes about this in Intimacy and Desire. He spends an entire chapter writing about normal marital sadism, where people say they want to bring their best to their life partner, but really they bring their worst. Great read and highly recommended.

Are you giving your partner your worst?

Stay amazed.

Over the seasons of marriage I’ve seen how I’ll fall into this trap myself, where I’ll fail to listen in wonder at the wisdom my wife has to share, hearing it in my head as “oh yes I’ve heard her say this 300 times before that’s cool”. When looking after two kids, working full time, volunteering, juggling schooling routine, and all the rest of it fills the calendar. When dinner out is something we’re doing because we just always do it, rather than recognising the sacredness of the moment of being with the woman I love.

And that’s always where it goes wrong. Any time there’s a larger fight, or a disagreement, or a period of lower happiness, guess what’s usually missing?

The awe.

So it’s not that you need to switch your brain off and neglect the day-to-day necessity of running your life together, and it’s not that you’re meant to live in some state of naivety when you think everything they’re doing is great when it isn’t.

But you need both. You need your brain on, you need the practicality, AND you need to stay amazed. That even when you disagree with this person, or you need to work really hard to accommodate your current season, or whatever else you’re going through, that this person you married still needs to be in your eyes as they truly are.

And that’s wonderful, chosen, and special. A true gift to this world, and to your life.

Now remember, switch your brain on – if you’re in danger, or your kids are in danger, there isn’t an obligation to stay beyond your limit. Help and support is available, and there are things that are worse than divorce.

But if danger isn’t prevalent, and you’re just annoyed or underwhelmed with your spouse, revisit your awe.

You are the one who is in control of it. I mean, look at the amazing supermodel level people who have marriages break down. Hugh Jackman, Scar Jo, Madonna. Hello people, there are humans who choose to break up with Taylor Swift and Brad Pitt. People who earn millions of dollars, look like millions of dollars, accomplish great things in Hollywood and music and wherever else, are great humanitarians – and there still can be unhappiness at home.

Because to everyone else, they’re a hero, but to their partner, they become as plain and common as the walls in their home.

You think you’re going to find someone else that you’re not just going to eventually treat as common and get annoyed and frustrated when you’re underwhelmed?

Before anyone goes to break up with someone, I always ask them, “Is this a problem you’re going to have with the next one?”. If not, then break it off. But if yes, stop. Have a think. What can I do different right now before I blow it? More in 7 Things To Consider Before Throwing Your Relationship Away

Stay amazed.

Your husband is a great man. Your wife is a treasure who deserves to be cherished and celebrated every minute of every day. That’s why you married them – don’t you forget it.

Stay amazed.

Let your awe for your spouse be the superpower of your marriage and its defining characteristic. Every single person on earth smiles from ear to ear when they see an old couple in the nursing home while they’ve got cords hanging out every hole and boil spots and goiters and no hair left and no teeth and take 45 minutes of foreplay to even get it up and still look at each other in love.

They don’t get there by accident – that’s a marriage where two people have both chosen each day to stay amazed at their spouse. Not in a sarcastic snarky way where “UGH isn’t it AMAZING how much you can disappoint me”. But in a brain-switched-on, we’re working together, we’re ticking the boxes, our kids are doing well, our house is running, our careers are moving, the money’s going the right direction…

Oh yeah, and I still adore you.

If you don’t know how – start with gratitude. Write down a few things or make a mental list of at least 10 things. This is so powerful. When I’ve revisited the excellent movie Marriage Story I can’t help but think of that powerful ending scene where their son who has learned to read well finds a list Mum made of things she liked about her ex husband that she never shared with him when there was still an opportunity to do so. It could have made or been the start of all the difference for whether or not they stayed together.

Don’t let that be you. Don’t move on from this person until you’ve revived the awe in your heart.

Don’t withhold it. Don’t keep your awe to yourself. Let them know.

Stay amazed.